ADHD Boy Mum

Do you ever notice that you feel things much more strongly than others? That the world is always just a little too loud and scratchy? That no matter how much alone time you get, you can’t manage to relax? That even though you have chores to do and you’ve let them pile up for a few days, you can’t seem to will your body to move?

Now add a baby to the mix.

The space, the peace, the control you had over your own life, the alone time, the routine… All gone. Our minds cannot rest to begin with, and now they definitely can’t – new fears and anxieties unlocked, sleepless nights, neglecting your own needs like food and hygiene. Your partner goes back to work and you realise that you’re around the baby 24/7 with no reprieve. The baby’s behaviour doesn’t have a solid pattern, their cry feels like needles piercing each cell in your body, your breasts are leaking constantly and you have dried milk circles on the pyjama top you’ve been wearing for 6 days and nights straight.

You thought you had Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria before you became a mum, now the baby wants their Daddy and stops crying when he holds them… Yeah, that one hurts.

Those with ADHD cannot regulate their emotions like neurotypical folks can. When we feel run down, we feel like we’re in quicksand; when we feel overstimulated, it’s like our skin is too tight on our bodies; when we become annoyed, it can be like a hand grenade exploding that you didn’t even know was active. Without the space and peace and control we had found comfort in, we can’t regulate those emotions, we can’t wind down or rest.

Then comes the Post Partum Depression, or the patriarchally named “Baby Blues”. It can present itself in people with ADHD in extreme ways like being in pain and not noticing, not wanting to hold your own child, raising your voice at your child or your partner, neglecting to eat until you lose x amount of weight, neglecting basic hygiene like showering or laundry or brushing your teeth, even suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self harm or running away. All of this can be a result of feeling like you’re not good enough, executive dysfunction, rejection sensitivity, heightened emotions.

So what can we do about it?

It’s not easy, I can tell you that much. It requires clear and regular communication with your partner, your parent(s), your partner’s parent(s), your friends. Reach out to a therapist if you can, asking for help is the bravest thing you can do, especially for those of us with ADHD and CPTSD who struggle to ask for help. Alternatively, you may be recommended parent and baby groups, which may be more your speed. Arrange days or nights with your family to be child free with your partner, go out for a meal or have a night to yourselves.

The most difficult part? Being softer and more compassionate to yourself. And it might sound cliché, but it does get easier, Dearest Reader… I’ll let you know when it does!