ADHD Boy Mum

If like me, you have ever been in a relationship or even witnessed a relationship that exhibits violent, manipulative, or narcissistic behaviours, you might want to read this one… Being told that you said something you didn’t, that you had forgotten plans that weren’t actually discussed until you wanted to do something with your friends, that whatever is happening to you in the relationship is all your fault. Any of that sound familiar?

Did you know, the hippocampus (that part of your brain responsible for memory formation and emotional processing) grows with time depending on how much you learn? It’s actually the only part of the brain that can change its structural form based on our experiences, for example, a taxi driver will have a larger hippocampus compared to a sales assistant (no offence) due to the amount of navigational information their brains store. There have been studies into the structure of the hippocampus in people with ADHD and there have been mixed results – some claiming that it is larger due to challenges in attention and memory processing, while others argue that it is smaller due to the same reasons – come on guys, keep up!! But did you also know that being the victim of narcissistic personalities or even any kind of traumatic event can change the structure of the hippocampus as well?

Narcissists stress you out – Duh. The stress hormone, Cortisol, overtime raises to such an astronomical level that if it were spread over 2-3 people, it would still be considered high – but it’s all within you (my Cortisol level was excessive of 1000 nmol/L. My GP told me on a scale of 1 to 10, I was a 9, which was frighteningly high). Those high Cortisol levels will actually cause your hippocampus to shrink. According to Biology Insights, “Traumatic experiences, whether acute or chronic, can induce structural and functional changes in the hippocampus.” This can happen by altering our ability to regulate emotions, recall memories, and even causing us to become hypervigilant – like we’re constantly in survival mode. And the CTPSD Foundation wrote, “When children suffer at the hands of a narcissistic abuser, some crucial brain regions are affected, including damage to the hippocampus and amygdala.” The same things can happen in a fully formed adult’s brain too. The amygdala is another part of the brain which is essential for feelings of shame, guilt, envy, fear – all the bad stuff that make up how a person learns right from wrong. When the brain chemistry is changed in this region of the brain, an adult cannot control these emotions and will feel them more prominently than other people, even over the smallest of things.

Now add the ADHD and the narcissistic abuse together, and what do you get?

In short… an emotional wreck.

Our ability to handle stress goes out of the window, leading to overstimulation. One minor slip in judgement and we overthink it for way too long because of that overbearing shame. Someone raises their voice a little too much and we break down in tears or fight back because our brain chemistry has been conditioned to feel scared. Even our tendencies to be impulsive often lead to strong, lasting feelings of shame and guilt. That narcissistic abuse causes literal brain damage without even touching us, paired with the ADHD that pulls our nervous system through the wringer each day… is there any wonder why we’re constantly feeling like we have someone sending volts through our bodies all the time?

But I want you to remember, Dearest Reader, that narcissistic abuse is never, ever the fault of the victim. Remember that, please, remember that. It’s a hell of a long road to recovery from something like that, I won’t lie to you, particularly if it was long term or if it was from childhood. But your brain is incredibly adaptive – a concept called neuroplasticity. With trauma-informed therapy, self-care, and time, your brain can heal, and so can you.