ADHD Boy Mum

The scary thing about ADHD is that the emotional dysregulation and impulsivity can cause us to have a much shorter fuse and much longer cooldown time than neurotypical people.
People with ADHD may become overstimulated due loud noises, bright lights, too much activity, even repetitive stimuli.
They may have a low frustration tolerance caused by tedious, repetitive, or boring tasks.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria can cause extreme pain caused by perceived rejection or criticism – baby cries with you but not with your partner, people question your bond with your own child, your friends invite you out less because you have a baby.
All of these factors can push a person with ADHD to anger. Our impulsive nature makes it difficult to “pause” before reacting, leading to an immediate outburst, and we have an inability to “reset”, meaning we have a lower ability to calm down and return to a baseline emotional state once angered.
And I have mentioned before that a person with ADHD will feel an emotion much more prominently than a neurotypical person would. Such explosive anger, often referred to as “ADHD Rage” can lead to vocal or physical outbursts, the urge to scream or break something.

For parents with ADHD, all of this is the same… but the stimulation is constant, and the space and time available to have a rest and take a breath becomes limited.

Picture this:
You’ve worked all day, you’re tired (mid-afternoon energy deficit), the baby cries inconsolably (overstimulation); you’re trying to feed them because it’s teatime and hopefully food will help, but they keep pushing it away (frustration); they throw the food at you; you call your partner for help because you can tell you’re nearing the edge, then the baby stops crying when they hold them (RSD). Your usual methods of calming them down don’t work. Your body is shaking and you’re scratching at your scalp with tears burning your eyes, and all you want to do in that moment is scream, throw something, hit something, break something. Then the dust settles and there comes that shame and guilt I talked about in my last post – not just for how you felt, but for how your partner saw you, because you may have said something hurtful to them before you could stop the words leaving your mouth.

You know in your heart that you could never lay a hand on that child. And you don’t. But the feeling is scary, right? How you feel it in your shaking hands, how the lump rises in your throat while alarms are blaring in your head. What do you do with all of that very sudden anger with impulses like ours? When your options are limited and you know that you will never harm your child. Scream into a pillow? Slam the door a few times with your head in it? No, actually, don’t do that…

During pre-natal classes, we’re taught an anagram known as “ICON”,
I – Infant crying is normal
C – Comforting methods can help
O – It’s OK to walk away
N – Never, ever shake a baby
I’ve had to walk away from the screaming and crying more times than I can count over the last fourteen months. Even with my impulsivity and short temper, I have always been able to control that, and I have never regretted a single time I have left my child in a safe place and walked into a different room, put my earphones in and just took a minute to breathe.

So what can we do to overcome it? Well, the answer to that will be different for everybody. Some people may already have their own methods of coping with situations like these.
The most important thing is to identify your triggers – recognise specific situations or sensations that cause frustration. Your baby is crying, can you wear earphones and play music? You’re going to be alone with your baby for a time, can you set up your station so that you have everything prepared for when they eat or need a drink or a nappy change?
Try to take time-outs or implement “pause” strategies. Step away from the situation immediately when you become overwhelmed and only return once calm, practice counting backwards or taking deep breaths before responding to frustrating situations.
If your ADHD rage is severe or endangering, seek help from a mental health professional. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help improve emotional regulation skills.

I personally have methods for avoiding overstimulation in the workplace, but they don’t really apply at home. I roll a twenty sided dice and follow the action to the corresponding number on a list I made on my phone. Music helps me as it drowns out the noise around me and in my head. Company helps me as it feels like the situation is diffused to more than just myself.

This post was probably as difficult to read as it was to write, and for that, I apologise. ADHD rage is very real, and it goes further than the usual frustration one feels in a stressful situation, because it builds faster and is a combination of many factors that can make us feel like we could open the ground if we stomp hard enough. If you can relate to any of this, Dear Reader, you’re not alone. Not every baby is easy to calm, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.

Please visit the ICON website for more information, or call CRY-SIS National Help Line: 08451 228669.